


Get Jailed, Jump Bail, Join The Army If You Fail.

by Lanna Michaels (lannamichaels)



Category: Barrayar (Fictional TV Show)
Genre: Barrayar (Fictional TV Show) - Freeform, Cultural Differences, M/M, Worldbuilding, Yuletide 2020, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:33:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28194777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lannamichaels/pseuds/Lanna%20Michaels
Summary: Varadar Tau is inducted into the Barrayaran Navy at age 38. Or: Varadar Tau will do anything for love of a spaceship.
Relationships: Vorwyn Hazelbright/Varadar Tau
Comments: 10
Kudos: 27
Collections: Yuletide 2020





	Get Jailed, Jump Bail, Join The Army If You Fail.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SouthernContinentSkies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SouthernContinentSkies/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Barrayar Expects That Every Fan Will Do Their Duty: Excerpts From A Fandom](https://archiveofourown.org/works/300734) by [Lanna Michaels (lannamichaels)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lannamichaels/pseuds/Lanna%20Michaels). 



> The title is from Subterranean Homesick Blues by Bob Dylan.

Varadar Tau had known what the deal was. Hazelbright's not the subtle sort; he walks around with his uniform coat flapping around him like a man who doesn't know that admirals can control the ambient temperature of a flagship. Back when Boat was just his, and Varadar Tau didn't have to share it with any brass or horse boots, he'd kept her much warmer. But she hasn't really been his in a long time.

But he knew what he was getting into. He could have walked away. There were other ships out there, even if they weren't Boat, even if that severing wouldn't have gutted him. He could have slipped Hazelbright at any point. These navies, they didn't really care about people. People were cheap and expendable. But a ship? Now, a ship was worth pouring money into. Ground commanders could get eight battalions killed and earn sixteen medals for it. But admirals? If a spaceship scuffed its paint, they'd get hung upside-down in a gravity well and left to scream for mercy.

Varadar Tau could understand admirals. He couldn't understand dirtsuckers at all. Planets weren't self-contained. Planets couldn't go where they wanted. Planets couldn't, oh, be commandeered by a sort-of-friendly local Navy to be its favorite admiral's new flagship.

Not that it hurt. It didn't hurt. What would have hurt was dying, which would have happened without the rescue. Varadar Tau knows how to pay a debt. Varadars own their ships like Varadar Tau owns his heart; it's not really a separable piece of him, not without blood. And so when Hazelbright had let him stay with the ship, Varadar Tau had stayed. And stayed. And stayed. It had been a shifty thing of it, working around the sailors, always being the bandit they were allied to and never one of their own number. And throughout it all, even with Hazelbright at the head, Boat has always been Varadar Tau's.

But she can't be his anymore. Boat blew in around him and, somehow, Varadar Tau didn't die. And now the Barrayaran Navy has sunk money and resources into her, re-crafting Boat into their own ship, making her into something that looks as much like Varadar Tau's heart as a piece of cotton candy. It's not his.

"I'm going to miss her," Varadar Tau says to Hazelbright, touching the new bulkhead as if he could still reach beneath it to the one that once proudly born the Varadar mark.

Hazelbright makes a rude noise. "You're not going anywhere," Hazelbright says. "Don't be melodramatic, you're not dead."

Varadar Tau is a Varadar and his ship is gone. She still exists around him through the action of others, but she's not his anymore. She's not what she used to be. She proudly bears the same name, but she's not the ship that made him. "I'm not," he agrees, because somehow he's still breathing. Hazelbright had taken the ship in exchange for rescuing him once. Boat repaid that with her life. Now both of them have a second life, he supposes. It's not what he signed up for.

"You think I'm going to keep your ship without you? She's still Boat and you're still her soul," Hazelbright finishes, not even stumbling on the Varadar oath. How far he's come; the first time Varadar Tau met him, Hazelbright had looked him over and asked if he wanted to be a bandit with some backing, and Hazelbright hadn't put anything holy in his mouth when he did it.

"She's not," Varadar Tau says. "But she'll be good for you. She'll take you far." Varadar Tau got Boat this far. He got her to the docks, he stood and he bent and he knelt and he helped rebuild her with his own hands. And it's the final birthing now: to be the parent as he was once the child, then the partner. Now it's time to pass Boat on to her new life. She isn't his anymore. He's gone as far with her as he could.

"Oh, stop arguing," Hazelbright says. "You don't need to be a Varadar about it. I'm conscripting you into the Barrayaran Navy."

Varadar Tau blinks at him.

"The time for you to be independent is over," Hazelbright says. "You could've walked away after we crashed and you didn't. You could have walked away a decade ago and you didn't. You could have stolen this ship out from underneath us more times than I ever want to think about."

Varadar Tau had kept his word, he doesn't see how that's newsworthy.

"And we're in a war now," Hazelbright goes on. "We need everyone and we need everything. Congratulations, Major. You're now official."

Oh, like hell he is. "'Major' sounds like you're not giving me my ship back, so why am I listening to this?"

Varadar Tau watches Hazelbright realize that telling Varadar Tau that he's grown out of being a mere ship captain is a terrible idea. Varadars aren't military. Captaining five ships isn't more prestigious than captaining one; on the contrary, it means your heart doesn't have a home.

"I need more than that from you," Hazelbright says. "You understand tactics and strategy. I can't let you just position a chess piece. I need you standing with me, looking at the whole board. Everyone who comes out of the Academy thinks like an Academy graduate. I'm never going to beat the Dendarii with that. I need you by my side."

"Sounds like you have a curriculum to revise," Varadar Tau says.

"Not until I win the war, I don't," Hazelbright says. "Will you stop wasting our time with this? I'll date the promotion to whenever will most piss you off, if that makes you happy. There's too much at stake here."

"At stake for you, maybe," Varadar Tau says. 

Hazelbright laughs. "You've worked with us for a decade, you think you're free and clear if you walk away? Go ahead, walk away. Walk away from the ghost of the ship you lost. Walk away from the blood your comrades shed in her bones. Walk away from everyone you lived beside. And then tell me Boat is dead and is mine now."

It'd be bad form to start his career in the Barrayaran Navy by decking his commanding officer. Varadar Tau unclenches his fist and notices Hazelbright's gaze on his fingers. To his credit, it doesn't look triumphant. It looks as close to sad as that bastard can get.

"Boat _is_ dead," Varadar Tau says, because he felt her die around him and nearly joined her in its embrace. It's important to mark the milestones in a ship's life. Varadars know ships can come back to life. Varadars also know they're never the same. Varadar Captains can go down with their ships if they choose. A Varadar ship doesn't go down with her captain. A Varadar ship dies and lives and dies and lives.

This life for Boat belongs to Barrayar. And maybe this part of Varadar Tau's life does, too.

"So how does this work?" Varadar Tau asks. "You take me to Headquarters and make me sign paperwork?"

"Yep," Hazelbright says. "Seven forms, two signatures on each page, and then you walk out there and try not to get court-martialed for your lip."

"You just said you're in the middle of a war," Varadar Tau said. "When would you have the time?"

"I'll always make time for you," Hazelbright promises, the darkness between stars in his eyes. Varadar Tau looks around them. No one in the corridor, he can't feel vibrations. He looks back at Hazelbright and raises an eyebrow.

"Do you not do this with subordinate officers?" Varadar Tau asks, flicking his eyes down to make his meaning absolutely clear.

"You wouldn't know subordinate if I carved it into your thighs with a navigation hook," Hazelbright retorts fondly.

Afterwards, Varadar Tau spits Hazelbright's semen onto the new deck. It'd be better to rub it in, but Varadar Tau doesn't think Hazelbright's acceptance will extend to getting down on his knees and pressing his DNA into the ship by hand. Oh well. He'll bleed on it eventually. They all do, Varadar Captains. Your ship is your self, your self is your ship. There's no space between them.

No matter what Hazelbright says, it's all pretty lies. Boat isn't Varadar Tau's anymore. But they're following a new course now. He doesn't know where it will lead him but, Varadar Tau thinks, letting Hazelbright heave him up back to his feet, at least they'll be going there with friends at their side.

**Author's Note:**

> [Yuletide Reveal Post ](https://lannamichaels.dreamwidth.org/1173973.html)
> 
> [this post on dreamwidth](https://lannamichaels.dreamwidth.org/1170689.html); [this post on tumblr](https://lannamichaels.tumblr.com/post/639122862626701312/get-jailed-jump-bail-join-the-army-if-you-fail)


End file.
